“Happiness is not a goal. It’s a by-product of a life well lived.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel like my life is passing me by so quickly.

I’m not where I thought I’d be.

And,

I’m not where I want to be.

When I graduated from high school in 2000, (YES, I’M THAT OLD) I had all these outrageous ambitions. I was going to go and travel the world, and write stories. I thought I would be writing stories for the Navy Flagship or some collegiate newspaper at some university. It saddens me that none of my dreams panned out the way I thought they would.

I feel like my internal “ambition” drive needs to be put on medications. It’s like one minute I believe….I have time.

“There’s still time!” I say to myself.

“I can still accomplish some of those goals.”

But at other times, I think;

“I’m just tired.”

And I am. I am tired of the challenges I’ve already endured. Do I even want the same things anymore? What is my purpose? I thought I knew. But I guess I don’t. Maybe it’s time to sit down and really think about what I want for my future. What is the most important thing to me?

I find myself in a routine of work and sleep, work and sleep, work and sleep. I’m thankful for God’s provisions. I’m content and I’ll continue to do my part in this season. But I find myself in a very lamenting state of mind. And a longing for some wisdom and renewed direction in my life.

At times I think I need to speed up, because I feel that I’m already far behind. Then other times I think I just want to slow down, because I’m missing out on too much already.

It feels like a battle. One I don’t want to be a part of. I just want to enjoy my life. God showed me this week that I am lacking JOY in my life. But when am I gonna have TIME for that? My days and hours are occupied with work…..and sleep. I know I have to find and make time.

Recently, I was talking with a friend, about a movie that came out. A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, starring Tom Hanks who plays the beloved Mr. Rogers. She was telling me, how even though Mr. Rogers had accumulated an enormous amount of success, he still left this world with a lamenting spirit in his final days that he had not fulfilled all that he could or should have. He had always wanted to become a minister(preacher). He felt that it was a part of his calling.

Can you imagine? All that this remarkable man achieved….and he still felt like….there was more… he wanted to do more. He was broadcast in homes all across America and other nations……and he STILL left this world feeling like he hadn’t done enough, or that he hadn’t achieved everything that he wanted to do. He blessed so many with his show and yes….I say “children’s ministry”, but yet he felt he had failed because he didn’t do everything that he had wanted.

I find myself in a place where I’m both; grieved, and relieved, that I’m at this crossroads of not knowing what to do next in my life. It forces me to think about what I really want for my life, and what type of legacy I want to leave behind. I guess you can say that I’m doing a life evaluation and fulfillment exploration in order to READJUST my life. I guess that’s the point. Maybe we have to do these readjustments more often as we get older.

I’m anxious to see the movie already. I think it will help me in these next few weeks as I really ponder my own questions for life fulfillment. I will keep my readers informed with my journey. I hope to blog about my new joyous and fulfilled life.

 “Don’t be defined by someone else’s standards, have your own definition of success.”

-Duke Matlock

Works Cited

Quotes Taken From; Awaken The Greatness Within

Photo Credit Unsplash; Adeolu Eletu